It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
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They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
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He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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