I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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