I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
