Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
