I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
