turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
