This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
