those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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