brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
