Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
