if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
