I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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