A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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