ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize