Im at strip club and am horny
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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