and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
