just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
