you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
