who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
