So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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