Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
