I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
