Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
