Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
as a side note pls kill me
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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