EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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