I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
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i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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