life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
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Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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