On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
