I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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