I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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