I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
