Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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