That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
