he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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