we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Randomize
