Pappa wants mamma naked
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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