my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
