were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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