the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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