just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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