we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
