Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
