i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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