Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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