No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i wish my penis had a tongue
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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