im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
