What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
