Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
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I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
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It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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