don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
