I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
