I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
