when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
