My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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