I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
