remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
