I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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