My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
