Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
