FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
