I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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